THEME
The Way I Used to Beby Amber Smith

Trauma, Silence, and Secrecy

Trauma, Silence, and Secrecy

What This Theme Explores

The theme of Trauma, Silence, and Secrecy asks what happens when a violent act steals a person’s voice—and how the choice or compulsion to stay quiet reshapes a life. After Eden McCrorey is raped by her brother’s best friend, Kevin Armstrong, the assault continues to reverberate through the silence that follows. The novel probes how threats, family misunderstandings, and internalized shame conspire to keep a survivor isolated and how secrecy warps identity, intimacy, and trust. Ultimately, it explores whether breaking silence can transform trauma from an imprisoning secret into the beginning of healing.


How It Develops

The theme begins with a violation and an immediate cover: Eden’s attempt to speak is swallowed by Kevin’s threat—“No one will ever believe you”—and by a family misreading that provides a ready-made lie. In the earliest days, the secret takes physical form: Eden won’t sleep in her bed and starts locking her door, gestures that signal how terror has colonized her most intimate space (Chapter 1-5 Summary).

As sophomore year unfolds, secrecy hardens into habit. Eden crafts a tougher persona and builds rules around a tentative romance, insisting on control while evading vulnerability. The more she relies on this performance to shield herself, the more it sabotages genuine connection and pushes her further from the normal life she craves (Chapter 16-20 Summary).

By junior year, silence drives Eden toward reckless encounters that promise numbness more than pleasure. These choices are not evidence of liberation but symptoms of unvoiced pain; they mimic agency while reenacting powerlessness. Her distance from friends—especially Mara—widens, because without the truth, her behavior looks inexplicable and self-destructive (Chapter 31-35 Summary).

In senior year, the secret’s cost becomes unbearable. News that Kevin has harmed other girls—most shatteringly his sister, Amanda Armstrong—turns Eden’s private suffering into a moral emergency. She first writes the truth to Josh, then tells her brother, and finally reports Kevin to the police. The act of speaking doesn’t erase the past, but it breaks the mechanism that kept the trauma repeating in silence and marks the first real step toward recovery (Chapter 46-50 Summary).


Key Examples

  • The Initial Silencing: In the aftermath of the assault, Eden’s mother, Vanessa McCrorey, misreads the bloody sheets as a period accident and unknowingly offers a lie to cover the truth. Eden accepts it, realizing that if she doesn’t speak now, the window may close forever. The moment encapsulates how external misinterpretations and internalized fear fuse into a durable secrecy.

    Then my mom shakes the robe at me, offering me a lie I didn’t even need to think up... I take my robe. Take the lie. And as I look back at my mother, watching her collect the soiled sheets in her arms—the evidence—I know somehow if it’s not now, it has to be never. Because he was right, no one would ever believe me. Of course they wouldn’t. Not ever.

  • Isolation from Caelin: When Eden begs her brother, Caelin McCrorey, not to leave for college, he dismisses her distress, already primed by Kevin’s manipulations. His “You’re not acting like yourself” is both true and tragically incomplete, because he sees only the surface changes without understanding the cause. The exchange shows how secrecy corrodes trust even in loving families.

  • The Cafeteria Incident: A boy flicks peas at Eden, and her disproportionate panic sends her fleeing to the library. The outburst reveals how unresolved trauma magnifies minor threats into overwhelming danger, turning ordinary spaces into battlefields. Seeking refuge in the library mirrors her retreat from her own bedroom, as public and private safety collapse at once.

  • Sabotaging the Relationship with Josh: With Josh Miller, Eden tries to create closeness without vulnerability. When his touch triggers a flashback, she freezes, then imposes strict rules to avoid emotional exposure.

    But his hand on my thigh—I go rigid. Can’t get the thing out of my mind because he could—so what if he has chocolate eyes or an aquiline nose or a magnetic smile—technically, he could do it, could do anything he wanted, and I wouldn’t be strong enough to stop him... Her silence makes honest communication impossible, turning a potential source of healing into another arena where the trauma dictates the terms.

  • Breaking the Silence: Eden finally writes the word she cannot say and hands it to Josh. This small, concrete act reframes her narrative: the secret is no longer sovereign, and she begins enlisting allies rather than hiding from them. Confessing to Caelin and reporting to the police follow as extensions of the same choice—to replace isolation with accountability and support.


Character Connections

Eden McCrorey carries the theme’s center of gravity. Her silence begins as coerced self-protection but calcifies into an identity that prizes control over connection. The arc of the novel traces her movement from performance and avoidance toward self-recognition and speech, showing that voice is not instantaneous but painstakingly rebuilt.

Kevin Armstrong weaponizes silence. As a trusted “second son,” he relies on his social credibility and psychological intimidation to suppress the truth, a strategy that permits repeated harm. His duplicity demonstrates how abusers thrive in communities that equate likability with innocence and mistake quiet for peace.

Vanessa and Caelin McCrorey embody the painful fact that love alone isn’t enough without attentiveness and openness. Their inability to read Eden’s distress—and their acceptance of plausible, comforting explanations—illustrate how familial denial can fortify a survivor’s prison. The theme indicts not individual malice but the everyday habits that make not-knowing easier than knowing.

Josh Miller represents what safety can look like: patience, boundaries, and a willingness to hear the truth on the survivor’s terms. Yet his presence also shows that even a caring partner cannot substitute for Eden’s own readiness to speak. Their relationship evolves from missed chances to a catalyst for disclosure.

Amanda Armstrong’s decision to come forward mirrors Eden’s journey and widens the frame from one survivor to many. Her voice cracks Kevin’s façade, proving that silence is not singular but systemic—and that breaking it can build a chorus rather than an echo.


Symbolic Elements

Eden’s Locked Bedroom Door: The lock is a daily ritual of protection and a visible sign of invisible wounds. It shows her attempt to reclaim control in a space that once betrayed her, even as it signals the emotional barriers keeping others out.

The Sleeping Bag on the Floor: Refusing the bed relocates Eden’s body from a site of safety to a provisional exile. The sleeping bag captures her sense of dislocation—home no longer feels like home, and rest no longer feels restful.

The “Mess” on the Sheets: The blood, dismissed and laundered away, becomes a symbol of erased evidence and sanitized narratives. Clean sheets stand for the comfort of an easier story, one that hides the violence beneath a domestic routine.

Eden’s Changing Appearance: Her transformation from “Mousegirl” into a confident, sexualized persona is armor masquerading as authenticity. The makeover projects power but also externalizes her secret, letting her perform control in public while feeling powerless in private.


Contemporary Relevance

The novel resonates in the era of #MeToo, where survivors’ fears—of disbelief, blame, retaliation, and social exile—are painfully familiar. By tracing Eden’s years-long silence, it challenges simplistic questions like “Why didn’t she report?” and replaces them with the harder truth about how threats, social dynamics, and self-protective strategies interlock. It urges readers to recognize the quiet forms of complicity that allow perpetrators to flourish and to build cultures—familial, institutional, and communal—where survivors are believed, supported, and safe to speak.


Essential Quote

I take my robe. Take the lie. And as I look back at my mother, watching her collect the soiled sheets in her arms—the evidence—I know somehow if it’s not now, it has to be never. Because he was right, no one would ever believe me. Of course they wouldn’t. Not ever.

This passage crystallizes the theme’s core: a moment when truth is available yet unreachable, smothered by fear and the seduction of a “reasonable” explanation. The lie offers immediate safety but seeds years of isolation, showing how silence does not merely hide trauma—it multiplies it. Speaking later will require unlearning the reflex to protect others’ comfort at the expense of her own reality.