Joey

Quick Facts

• Role: Loving, stabilizing boyfriend-turned-husband of the author, Stephanie Foo
• First Appearance: Chapter 9, introduced via a Tinder photo as “a cute man carrying a Christmas tree”
• Occupation: Former soldier; speech and debate teacher
• Key Relationships: Stephanie Foo; Joey’s sprawling, affectionate family; Stephanie’s father
• Core Function: A secure-attachment partner who makes possible Stephanie’s work with Complex Trauma and Its Lifelong Impact

Who They Are

On first meeting, Joey seems almost disarmingly straightforward: a kind man with a Christmas tree, a teacher who loves routine and family rituals. Very quickly, though, he becomes the book’s ballast. As a former soldier, he brings steadiness and courage; as a teacher, he brings clarity, patience, and a gift for naming difficult truths. He is not merely kind; he is consistent, making him a living model of secure attachment in a story defined by rupture.

The memoir gives few physical details, because Joey’s presence is felt more in what he does. In therapy, Stephanie even imagines his “big-ass muscles” (Chapter 17), a visualization that captures how she experiences him: as a protector strong enough to hold fear without flinching. Joey’s symbolic power lies in that steadiness—he gives Stephanie the reliable safety she needs to risk healing after a lifetime of instability and Childhood Abuse and Family Dysfunction.

Personality & Traits

Joey’s defining trait is not perfection but reliability. He doesn’t “fix” Stephanie; instead, he refuses to abandon her when healing is slow or messy, reframing love as a daily practice rather than a mood.

• Empathetic and accepting: Early on, he invites full honesty—asking about the “bad” parts (Chapter 9)—and responds with calm acceptance: “That’s doable.” His nonreactive stance counters the conditional love that shaped Stephanie’s fear of being unlovable.
• Direct and logical: He prefers clarity to tiptoeing. His request to see the “bad” side is a boundary-setting move: he wants truths up front so both partners can choose the relationship with open eyes.
• Unconditionally affirming: He names concrete, specific things he loves—“my nose, my fingers, my brain” (Chapter 9)—teaching Stephanie to trust praise that’s grounded in details rather than vague flattery.
• Family-oriented: He revels in ritual and community (especially Christmas), using tradition to build belonging. He invites Stephanie into a family culture where love is loud, chaotic, and reliable.
• Protective: In the confrontation with Stephanie’s father (Chapter 33), he draws a hard line—physically and verbally—signaling that abuse will not be tolerated on his watch. Protection, for Joey, is an ethical stance.

Character Journey

Joey begins as a gentle, curious boyfriend who wants the truth; he becomes a partner fluent in trauma-informed love. His arc isn’t about changing who he is but deepening how he shows up: learning to navigate triggers, to practice “rupture and repair” (Chapter 39), and to translate affection into structure—predictable responses, consistent boundaries, and joyful traditions that rewire what “home” feels like. Therapy scenes reveal his willingness to be part of the work (the EMDR “rescue” in Chapter 17), while milestones like the elaborate Christmas proposal (Chapter 35) show how he uses play and ritual to anchor hope. The throughline is choice: Joey keeps choosing love—during conflict, during fear, and especially when Stephanie expects abandonment.

Key Relationships

• Stephanie Foo: With Stephanie, Joey models secure attachment and becomes an essential partner in The Journey of Healing and Recovery. His steady, specific affirmations help her challenge entrenched beliefs about Identity, Self-Loathing, and Self-Acceptance. Together they learn “rupture and repair,” shifting conflict from proof of doom to an opportunity for intimacy.
• Joey’s Family: Loud, messy, and open-hearted, Joey’s family becomes a laboratory for belonging. When his mother tells Stephanie, “we’re your family now. You’re ours” (Chapter 35), the words do more than welcome her; they contradict the core narrative of unworthiness that shaped her childhood.
• Stephanie’s Father: Joey witnesses the corrosive dynamic of control and belittlement. In Chapter 33, his firm boundary—“Don’t you fucking touch me”—signals uncompromising solidarity with Stephanie and reframes “family” as a place where safety is non-negotiable.

Defining Moments

Joey’s most important scenes fuse tenderness with structure, proving that love is both feeling and practice.

• “What’s wrong with you?” conversation (Chapter 9): He asks to know the hard parts, listens to Stephanie’s “greatest shames,” and answers, “Okay… that’s doable.” Why it matters: Acceptance comes first; problem-solving comes later. He replaces fear of exposure with the relief of being seen.
• EMDR “rescue” (Chapter 17): In therapy, Stephanie imagines Joey saving her child-self and saying, “You don’t have to fix anything to deserve love.” Why it matters: Even as a visualization, it captures how Joey’s real-world constancy transforms her internal script about worthiness.
• Standing up to her father (Chapter 33): Joey’s physical and verbal boundary draws a bright line against abuse. Why it matters: His protection is not possessive; it’s principled. He defends Stephanie’s autonomy, modeling a new standard for what love permits and what it refuses.
• The Christmas proposal (Chapter 35): A three-hour family treasure hunt ends in a proposal—joyful, communal, and meticulously planned. Why it matters: Joey chooses ritual to heal scarcity, offering Stephanie not just a ring but a place in a family story.
• Learning “repair” (Chapter 39): After a fight, they adopt the practice of “rupture and repair” with guidance from Dr. Jacob Ham. Why it matters: This reframes conflict as a path to deeper trust, turning love into a resilient system rather than a fragile feeling.

Essential Quotes

“I still don’t really know what’s wrong with you. What are your insecurities? What makes you anxious? I want to know you, the good and the bad.” (Chapter 9) This isn’t morbid curiosity; it’s a request for intimacy built on truth. Joey refuses the fantasy of a “perfect” partner, establishing that love for him means consenting to the full person.

“But, you know, it’s okay to have some things you never get over.” (Chapter 9) Joey decouples healing from perfectionism. By normalizing unfinished grief, he protects Stephanie from the shame spiral that often follows setbacks, making sustainable growth possible.

“You don’t have to fix anything to deserve love. I love you for who you are.” (Chapter 17) Spoken in an EMDR visualization, the line condenses Joey’s ethos: love as precondition, not prize. The imagined rescue mirrors his real-life practice of showing up without demanding transformation first.

“Don’t you fucking touch me.” (Chapter 33) In one sharp boundary, Joey rejects the intimidation and escalation that characterized Stephanie’s upbringing. The line redraws the power map of the scene: harm will not pass through him to reach her.

“No one has ever seen me so thoroughly and loved me so well as you have. I will be loyal to you. I’ll be true to you and I’ll be true with you because to be known by you touches me wholly. I’ll ensure that you know you are the most important person in my life, that you are loved.” (Chapter 42) Joey’s vows articulate love as action—loyalty, truth, and reassurance. The promise to ensure Stephanie feels loved addresses her deepest wound: the terror of being unlovable, even when known.